rygar: Hey.

jointstereotype: Hey.

rygar: How was your Christmas?

jointstereotype: Good. How was yours?

rygar: Good. I visited my parents.

jointstereotype: Upstairs.

rygar: Yeah.

jointstereotype: Cool. Nice of you to go the extra mile. How was this year's take?

rygar: Socks, underwear, DVDs, and money.

jointstereotype: Same here, with the addition of chocolate.

rygar: You and chocolate. At least your addiction is cost-effective. Mine costs $40 for 3 months, $150 for a year, and $280 for 2 years.

jointstereotype: Assuming you don't already have it memorized, you should tattoo your credit card number on your dick. That way you wouldn't have to reach for your wallet anymore.

rygar: Do I detect a bit of sarcasm behind your words?

jointstereotype: This is a text message. It's an emotionless medium.

rygar: What about emoticons?

jointstereotype: Emoticons are for soccer moms and metro guys named Cody.

rygar: Just like Adobe Flash, I take it you're not a fan of emoticons?

jointstereotype: They place too much emphasis on themselves. If you don't put a smilie face after your sentences, the person you're talking to automatically assumes you're not smiling, and if you're not smiling, it's assumed you're not happy, and if you're not happy it's assumed that you don't want to chat anymore and that you want to break up or back out or whatever. So you end up putting smilies after each and every sentence, just in case, and pretty soon all your sentences are just smilies with a few words speckled here or there.

rygar: Really, it's only a matter of typing ":)" every now and then. And I've never messaged anybody petty enough to complain about my lack of smilies.

jointstereotype: I have.

rygar: Who?

jointstereotype: Susan.

rygar: Oh, her. That makes perfect sense.

jointstereotype: And that's not the worst of it: She's got me using a spectrum of smilie emoticons. One smilie isn't good enough—I have to make sure my sentences end with the right kind of smilie. A general smilie if I'm amiable; a winking smilie if I'm naughty or horny; an open-mouth smilie if I'm really happy and / or laughing out loud; a tongue smilie if I'm being goofy.

rygar: She's running your life.

jointstereotype: I know.

rygar: I hope you've at least gotten some cyber sex out of the deal.

jointstereotype: I'm not a horndog like you—but if, hypothetically, we did, I'm sure she'd have me using a whole new set of smilies.

rygar: Hmm...pornographic smilies...